Memorial

A memorial was held today for a Soldier in my unit who passed away about a week ago. The week has been tough having to assist in planning the memorial, plus my regular duties. To see it come together and not just be another operation that had charts and slides was very meaningful to me.

I didn't know him, but when Taps was played and honors rendered the emotions I put down and hid finally came out. I had to walk away and take my space and I'm thankful that 1SG Smith just knew and let me take my moment in his office.

Anyway, RIP SGT Mulalley

If you’re reading this,

I won’t come it home the way I’d hoped.

My boots stand at attention,

Words of love and admiration are spoken

A final salute is given.

I hope you realize this wasn’t for me

I fought to see that you were free

I’ll walk with you everyday and

I’ll stand by your side.

But for now, just today

Let me lay here by the side

Of those who stood with me.

Dory's Advice

I took one of those quizzes "What Disney Quote Should Be Your Life Motto?" I'm not sure what I was expecting, but I don't think I was expecting "Just keep swimming" from Finding Nemo.  

I'm not sure that should be my motto, but I have a bit of a fatist view of things, and I feel it was given to me in the moment. Life as a whole has provided quite the roller coaster and this deployment has been no exception. 

There have been days where I would love to stay in bed, but mission says no. The lack of a break and ability to completely get away has been frustrating, the events and the circumstances heap on the frustration. I guess that's where Dory comes into play.

Maybe she's right, maybe it just makes sense to keep swimming and life ebb and flow as necessary. I just hate not having that control or at least the knowledge to feel like I'm in control.

Just keep swimming I guess... 

RIP

Everything going around about depression and suicide is hard to watch and hard to listen to,  I generally leave the conversation alone.

I have fought and in some cases still fight those demons... to understand it from the outside is to know how it feels on the inside.

A snippet of a conversation i had with a friend:

Them: Hey. Sorry. i know how much you liked robin williams work
Me: Always cheered me up.

That is the simplest truth. When the demons seemed unbeatable, when the talking, the drinking, the avoiding, when it wasn't working and I was hiding, in my own little world I would watch his movies, his comedy, and the interviews, and the moments where he would let loose. I watched to brighten my life when it felt dark, and because if someone fighting their own demons and clawing their way out could produce the magic and the laughter that he could, then I could certainly quit moping and face my demons.


I pass no judgment, a battle was fought and unfortunately it was lost. And, I think others should recognize that fact and let the man rest in peace.

"No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world." ~Robin Williams

Deployment 2

Sitting here at the end of another groundhog day.... I took it a little easier today, it's Sunday so it's okay. Started thinking about coming home, what I wanted to do, who I wanted there, all that kind of stuff. However, I'm not sure it will be that easy, everyone's life moves on, time doesn't stop. For those over here, time there stops because one day bleeds into another. I just want to take five minutes when I come home, stand with my eyes closed and take a deep breath. Because, I made it, I survived an experience very few are willing to embark on.

Yea, I didn't really leave the wire (I'm an S1... I'm a fobbit.. whatever), but that doesn't mean the enemy can't get to us, he's tried. While you're pushing through the work you have to accomplish, your chest gets tight, its hard to breathe, and you have an adrenaline rush that won't come down. That's not fun, but the reminder of a mission to accomplish, the necessity to push through, and that you don't have time to freak out is what keeps you from curling up in a ball. 

This is an experience, one that tests your strength of mind and character.... I just wonder how I'll see the world when I'm home.