For All Keyboard Warriors

I sit here with my drink (number two, but by any normal drinker's standards it's probably number four). As I scroll through Facebook I see a lot of keyboard warriors. I see a lot of people willing to pass blame on a situation, change their profile picture, or post a long message about gun control, gay rights, terrorism, the election, and anything else. You all hide behind the keyboard, because it's safe there. You stand with the 1st amendment as your shield to spread your toxin among the masses. The advent of social media and 24 hour news cycles has turned an informed public into a group of lemmings willing to fall off of the cliff of their beliefs because the internet has shown them the "truth".

This is not a slight against those who choose to make their voice heard through social media. I implore that before you flex your fingers across the keyboard, think before you write, is your opinion yours? or that of a social media hoard sucking your brain out and making you join the cause. And if it is your opinion, do you have to post in a destructive, mean spirited, negative manner? Can you not give your opinion and not have a mental battle of wits with the fool on the other end of the internet?

I sit here and I watch this and I wonder why I no longer enjoy social media..... That and the ridiculous amount of cat pictures, get some dogs in there....

The grammar sucks, I've been drinking.

The Outlook

It's hard to find positivity in a pool of cynicism. Where I work for every positive thought there are five cynical ones. Among people who feel no joy in their work because they've been beaten down or saw their chosen profession as a means to an end.  It's hard to keep a positive outlook on a profession you were excited to join ,when you feel just as beaten down and fight to not join the cynicism.

It's a fight to maintain an outlook of positivity, it's a fight to maintain the identity I worked to find. For all the steps I've taken forward I feel like I've fallen behind. Maybe it's environmental as I've been told, or possibly old patterns repeating themselves. I keep fighting, but I know I'm losing myself again. 

I just need to dig deep and pull myself out.

Catch 22

It's been quiet in my corner of the world, at least on this page. To be honest, I haven't had much to say to the world. I expect nothing from what I write here, for a time it allowed me to vent, to give my thoughts, and to just go on about a topic that happened to be on my mind. Lately, I ask myself "what's the point?" I know it's an outlet, I've even been told I'm good at it, and as I said before I expect nothing from it. It just seems that it's not important, going to the idea that putting words to a page, those words should have a purpose. I guess I refused to see that they were serving a purpose to me.

I am, if nothing else, overly critical of what I put to paper or in anything really. So writer's block generally hits like a piano falling from the sky. I've lost that desire to write, to take pictures, to do much of anything because I ask the same question, "what's the point?" What I fight with is that it may have little relevance on anything, but it's still something I should do to keep myself sane. These things called hobbies, but I feel like I'm constantly judged for everything I do. And when you take a certain amount of criticism, even if it's not directed at the photography or the writing, but on your life choices, your job performance, etc  it feels worth it to just stop because if you don't write poetry, or an entry to a blog, or take a picture.... you can't be judged for that too. On the flip to the that, I can just hide it, not share it, but then my over criticism will just grow and I'll make myself feel worse.

I think I'm in the world's worst catch 22.

Disconnection

By all right and definition I am successful. I have reached the goals I've set for myself, I continue to excel. I have a nice home, a decent car, a crazy ass dog, and financially stable. So what's missing? What's the hole? I can't seem to handle a personal relationship for longer than a year or two, after that it just seems to slip. I enjoy being alone more than around people. I'm more focused on my job than I am my personal life. Why do I feel like I'm missing something?

I know I've ran to the Army and haven't looked back. I am what I do, I can't seem to let that thought go. It's a safety blanket, I don't really keep up with my hobbies, no particular interest, energy, or sometimes even the time to devote to it.

Guess I need to reconnect with myself... Just not sure how anymore.

Deployment 4

Nearing the end of another month. There are too many days to count down. The days pass quickly and slowly all at the same time. There is periods of a lot to do mixed with little to nothing... There isn't just a constant flow. However , I guess that's what happens when you're on a 7day work schedule.

I catch up with friends who tell me of things going on, but to me the world is suspended in it's own little time bubble... It's not true of course, but it feels that way. I make new friends here, just for them to redeploy or go to different FOBs... I try to find time for myself but it rarely pans out and when it does, it's short lived.

I have a feeling that the new mission will have more of the same of lots going on with periods of little to nothing. Good thing I'm used it, but this whole adventure can end now.

Deployment 3

It's about 1am.... Took a break from working earlier this evening and played a game of poker... that lasted quite awhile. It's good to relax and relax around people, but tomorrow will be an early night and just me time, because I'm about burnt out on people.

Most don't realize, or expect, but I am quite introverted. I enjoy quiet, I enjoy having my own personal time, and am perfectly ok with a book, tv show, or video game with a drink and my dog and bird. Human interactions wear me out, so constant human interaction really takes it toll.

Most introverts are like that, but when you're thrusted into a situation where there really is no escape, your room maybe partially a sanctuary, but it's kind of worse than a dorm room (and i never stayed in those)

Anyway, I need a me only break tomorrow... It's going to happen.. hopefully.

Memorial

A memorial was held today for a Soldier in my unit who passed away about a week ago. The week has been tough having to assist in planning the memorial, plus my regular duties. To see it come together and not just be another operation that had charts and slides was very meaningful to me.

I didn't know him, but when Taps was played and honors rendered the emotions I put down and hid finally came out. I had to walk away and take my space and I'm thankful that 1SG Smith just knew and let me take my moment in his office.

Anyway, RIP SGT Mulalley

If you’re reading this,

I won’t come it home the way I’d hoped.

My boots stand at attention,

Words of love and admiration are spoken

A final salute is given.

I hope you realize this wasn’t for me

I fought to see that you were free

I’ll walk with you everyday and

I’ll stand by your side.

But for now, just today

Let me lay here by the side

Of those who stood with me.