Dory's Advice

I took one of those quizzes "What Disney Quote Should Be Your Life Motto?" I'm not sure what I was expecting, but I don't think I was expecting "Just keep swimming" from Finding Nemo.  

I'm not sure that should be my motto, but I have a bit of a fatist view of things, and I feel it was given to me in the moment. Life as a whole has provided quite the roller coaster and this deployment has been no exception. 

There have been days where I would love to stay in bed, but mission says no. The lack of a break and ability to completely get away has been frustrating, the events and the circumstances heap on the frustration. I guess that's where Dory comes into play.

Maybe she's right, maybe it just makes sense to keep swimming and life ebb and flow as necessary. I just hate not having that control or at least the knowledge to feel like I'm in control.

Just keep swimming I guess... 

RIP

Everything going around about depression and suicide is hard to watch and hard to listen to,  I generally leave the conversation alone.

I have fought and in some cases still fight those demons... to understand it from the outside is to know how it feels on the inside.

A snippet of a conversation i had with a friend:

Them: Hey. Sorry. i know how much you liked robin williams work
Me: Always cheered me up.

That is the simplest truth. When the demons seemed unbeatable, when the talking, the drinking, the avoiding, when it wasn't working and I was hiding, in my own little world I would watch his movies, his comedy, and the interviews, and the moments where he would let loose. I watched to brighten my life when it felt dark, and because if someone fighting their own demons and clawing their way out could produce the magic and the laughter that he could, then I could certainly quit moping and face my demons.


I pass no judgment, a battle was fought and unfortunately it was lost. And, I think others should recognize that fact and let the man rest in peace.

"No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world." ~Robin Williams

Deployment 2

Sitting here at the end of another groundhog day.... I took it a little easier today, it's Sunday so it's okay. Started thinking about coming home, what I wanted to do, who I wanted there, all that kind of stuff. However, I'm not sure it will be that easy, everyone's life moves on, time doesn't stop. For those over here, time there stops because one day bleeds into another. I just want to take five minutes when I come home, stand with my eyes closed and take a deep breath. Because, I made it, I survived an experience very few are willing to embark on.

Yea, I didn't really leave the wire (I'm an S1... I'm a fobbit.. whatever), but that doesn't mean the enemy can't get to us, he's tried. While you're pushing through the work you have to accomplish, your chest gets tight, its hard to breathe, and you have an adrenaline rush that won't come down. That's not fun, but the reminder of a mission to accomplish, the necessity to push through, and that you don't have time to freak out is what keeps you from curling up in a ball. 

This is an experience, one that tests your strength of mind and character.... I just wonder how I'll see the world when I'm home.

Don't Let the Language Die

It has been said by many that life is too short, but at what point is life just long enough or even too long? Life is too short to not live.....

That line was written several months ago, but it was as far as I could get, I guess I said all I had to say. Not everything has to be drawn out with a lot of fluff, I tried to avoid it in college, and I avoid it now. Life is too short to sugar coat and add a bunch of fluff.

Language is a powerful thing, it is even more powerful in those who treat it as such. Never squander language, command language to say what you want not only by the literal meaning, but by the figurative and emotional. Command of the english language is slipping away in favor of text speak, spell check, and laziness. I challenge all who read this to not let the art and the science to just die in favor of something easier and faster. Work to improve your vocabulary, not to impress your friends at dinner parties or to seem like a pompous ass, but to show that you value yourself as a civilized member of the world.

Anyway, that's my soapbox moment.

Create For Yourself

I started wandering through my computer and find this line written on a document I was writing, according to the document title, it was for a book:

"...Have an intense passion for what you create; an intense ambition to meet the challenges of your creations; an intense enthusiasm to create... and soon the inspiration will overfill your cup."

I haven't written in awhile, blog post, poetry, or just write to write. I enjoyed just putting words on a page and rearranging, erasing, and rewording until the eraser was almost gone and my hand grey from all the lead (yes I'm old school and love a good notebook). Even photography, I haven't really gone of and really done a photo hunt; the kind where it's me, the camera, and my music. My favorite day was walking from Water Tower Place in Chicago all the way home to 35th and Morgan just taking pictures, or walking around Columbia, SC. Writing, taking pictures, just being with myself allows me to think about me for a little while. Even when I live by the idea of taking care of others before myself.  That intense passion, ambition, and enthusiasm was no longer there, but by my own hand I let it go.

If you enjoy a hobby, even if you think you're bad at it, make time for it. Don't let the hustle of life take away the things that help you think through problems, analyze life, and just allow you to exist in your own way. I am guilty of not following this advice, I am guilty of letting the couch and tv suck me in, but this could quite possibly be the turn around.

Find that passion for things you once did and with it ambition, enthusiasm, and maybe even a little extra dedication will follow. 

Deployment

It's been quiet over here for awhile.... No particular reason why, just nothing to really write about.

I find myself writing this just over a month into a deployment to Afghanistan. The thing about a deployment is you are confined. Confined to the gates of your FOB (Forward Operating Base), you can't leave and travel. You are confined physically and mentally. You're get away is the plywood dorm room you have where the walls don't even go to the ceiling. The days bleed together because there are no weekends, no days off. You are in a country that has people who would rather kill an American than listen to them, and it sits in the back of your mind.

A deployment allows for you to really look at yourself, really think about what you want, how you want it, where you want it, and why. From the physical to metaphysical, everything is up for grabs; because where are you going to go? There is no avoiding your brain pulling you in and making you think about your life and where it's headed. But then, check back in to the fact that you're in a combat zone. There is nothing normal about willingly going somewhere that your statistics of death increase. Yet, many of us do it.

I haven't pieced it all together yet, but as this deployment continues I am sure I will

Can't Fix Everything

Yep, this corner has been quiet for a little while, the writing side of my life took a backseat for a bit.

It's great how people try to help others, but there comes a point where you've done all you can. Either the person doesn't want, need, or is willing to accept the help you are offering. Even if none of that is true, you may have done all you can.

Some people have their own issues to deal with, but don't because it's easier to focus on anyone and everyone else. They will put all of their effort into helping or advising someone who seems like they have bigger problems then they do. My question- how does that help either of you?

Something I've learned, and in a lot of cases still learning, is that until you help yourself, you shouldn't be trying to help others. Think about when you're on a plane and the mask drops down for oxygen. What do they tell you to do? That's right, put your mask on first! (funnily enough, this is the exact example given to me when I needed to learn this).

Another side to this, if you are trying to help, and you've done all you can. At some point the other person has to help themselves, but right now they are relying on you instead of trying to improve their situation.

Everyone has demons, try and face yours first!