Deployment 4

Nearing the end of another month. There are too many days to count down. The days pass quickly and slowly all at the same time. There is periods of a lot to do mixed with little to nothing... There isn't just a constant flow. However , I guess that's what happens when you're on a 7day work schedule.

I catch up with friends who tell me of things going on, but to me the world is suspended in it's own little time bubble... It's not true of course, but it feels that way. I make new friends here, just for them to redeploy or go to different FOBs... I try to find time for myself but it rarely pans out and when it does, it's short lived.

I have a feeling that the new mission will have more of the same of lots going on with periods of little to nothing. Good thing I'm used it, but this whole adventure can end now.

Deployment 3

It's about 1am.... Took a break from working earlier this evening and played a game of poker... that lasted quite awhile. It's good to relax and relax around people, but tomorrow will be an early night and just me time, because I'm about burnt out on people.

Most don't realize, or expect, but I am quite introverted. I enjoy quiet, I enjoy having my own personal time, and am perfectly ok with a book, tv show, or video game with a drink and my dog and bird. Human interactions wear me out, so constant human interaction really takes it toll.

Most introverts are like that, but when you're thrusted into a situation where there really is no escape, your room maybe partially a sanctuary, but it's kind of worse than a dorm room (and i never stayed in those)

Anyway, I need a me only break tomorrow... It's going to happen.. hopefully.

Memorial

A memorial was held today for a Soldier in my unit who passed away about a week ago. The week has been tough having to assist in planning the memorial, plus my regular duties. To see it come together and not just be another operation that had charts and slides was very meaningful to me.

I didn't know him, but when Taps was played and honors rendered the emotions I put down and hid finally came out. I had to walk away and take my space and I'm thankful that 1SG Smith just knew and let me take my moment in his office.

Anyway, RIP SGT Mulalley

If you’re reading this,

I won’t come it home the way I’d hoped.

My boots stand at attention,

Words of love and admiration are spoken

A final salute is given.

I hope you realize this wasn’t for me

I fought to see that you were free

I’ll walk with you everyday and

I’ll stand by your side.

But for now, just today

Let me lay here by the side

Of those who stood with me.

Dory's Advice

I took one of those quizzes "What Disney Quote Should Be Your Life Motto?" I'm not sure what I was expecting, but I don't think I was expecting "Just keep swimming" from Finding Nemo.  

I'm not sure that should be my motto, but I have a bit of a fatist view of things, and I feel it was given to me in the moment. Life as a whole has provided quite the roller coaster and this deployment has been no exception. 

There have been days where I would love to stay in bed, but mission says no. The lack of a break and ability to completely get away has been frustrating, the events and the circumstances heap on the frustration. I guess that's where Dory comes into play.

Maybe she's right, maybe it just makes sense to keep swimming and life ebb and flow as necessary. I just hate not having that control or at least the knowledge to feel like I'm in control.

Just keep swimming I guess... 

RIP

Everything going around about depression and suicide is hard to watch and hard to listen to,  I generally leave the conversation alone.

I have fought and in some cases still fight those demons... to understand it from the outside is to know how it feels on the inside.

A snippet of a conversation i had with a friend:

Them: Hey. Sorry. i know how much you liked robin williams work
Me: Always cheered me up.

That is the simplest truth. When the demons seemed unbeatable, when the talking, the drinking, the avoiding, when it wasn't working and I was hiding, in my own little world I would watch his movies, his comedy, and the interviews, and the moments where he would let loose. I watched to brighten my life when it felt dark, and because if someone fighting their own demons and clawing their way out could produce the magic and the laughter that he could, then I could certainly quit moping and face my demons.


I pass no judgment, a battle was fought and unfortunately it was lost. And, I think others should recognize that fact and let the man rest in peace.

"No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world." ~Robin Williams

Deployment 2

Sitting here at the end of another groundhog day.... I took it a little easier today, it's Sunday so it's okay. Started thinking about coming home, what I wanted to do, who I wanted there, all that kind of stuff. However, I'm not sure it will be that easy, everyone's life moves on, time doesn't stop. For those over here, time there stops because one day bleeds into another. I just want to take five minutes when I come home, stand with my eyes closed and take a deep breath. Because, I made it, I survived an experience very few are willing to embark on.

Yea, I didn't really leave the wire (I'm an S1... I'm a fobbit.. whatever), but that doesn't mean the enemy can't get to us, he's tried. While you're pushing through the work you have to accomplish, your chest gets tight, its hard to breathe, and you have an adrenaline rush that won't come down. That's not fun, but the reminder of a mission to accomplish, the necessity to push through, and that you don't have time to freak out is what keeps you from curling up in a ball. 

This is an experience, one that tests your strength of mind and character.... I just wonder how I'll see the world when I'm home.

Don't Let the Language Die

It has been said by many that life is too short, but at what point is life just long enough or even too long? Life is too short to not live.....

That line was written several months ago, but it was as far as I could get, I guess I said all I had to say. Not everything has to be drawn out with a lot of fluff, I tried to avoid it in college, and I avoid it now. Life is too short to sugar coat and add a bunch of fluff.

Language is a powerful thing, it is even more powerful in those who treat it as such. Never squander language, command language to say what you want not only by the literal meaning, but by the figurative and emotional. Command of the english language is slipping away in favor of text speak, spell check, and laziness. I challenge all who read this to not let the art and the science to just die in favor of something easier and faster. Work to improve your vocabulary, not to impress your friends at dinner parties or to seem like a pompous ass, but to show that you value yourself as a civilized member of the world.

Anyway, that's my soapbox moment.

Create For Yourself

I started wandering through my computer and find this line written on a document I was writing, according to the document title, it was for a book:

"...Have an intense passion for what you create; an intense ambition to meet the challenges of your creations; an intense enthusiasm to create... and soon the inspiration will overfill your cup."

I haven't written in awhile, blog post, poetry, or just write to write. I enjoyed just putting words on a page and rearranging, erasing, and rewording until the eraser was almost gone and my hand grey from all the lead (yes I'm old school and love a good notebook). Even photography, I haven't really gone of and really done a photo hunt; the kind where it's me, the camera, and my music. My favorite day was walking from Water Tower Place in Chicago all the way home to 35th and Morgan just taking pictures, or walking around Columbia, SC. Writing, taking pictures, just being with myself allows me to think about me for a little while. Even when I live by the idea of taking care of others before myself.  That intense passion, ambition, and enthusiasm was no longer there, but by my own hand I let it go.

If you enjoy a hobby, even if you think you're bad at it, make time for it. Don't let the hustle of life take away the things that help you think through problems, analyze life, and just allow you to exist in your own way. I am guilty of not following this advice, I am guilty of letting the couch and tv suck me in, but this could quite possibly be the turn around.

Find that passion for things you once did and with it ambition, enthusiasm, and maybe even a little extra dedication will follow. 

Deployment

It's been quiet over here for awhile.... No particular reason why, just nothing to really write about.

I find myself writing this just over a month into a deployment to Afghanistan. The thing about a deployment is you are confined. Confined to the gates of your FOB (Forward Operating Base), you can't leave and travel. You are confined physically and mentally. You're get away is the plywood dorm room you have where the walls don't even go to the ceiling. The days bleed together because there are no weekends, no days off. You are in a country that has people who would rather kill an American than listen to them, and it sits in the back of your mind.

A deployment allows for you to really look at yourself, really think about what you want, how you want it, where you want it, and why. From the physical to metaphysical, everything is up for grabs; because where are you going to go? There is no avoiding your brain pulling you in and making you think about your life and where it's headed. But then, check back in to the fact that you're in a combat zone. There is nothing normal about willingly going somewhere that your statistics of death increase. Yet, many of us do it.

I haven't pieced it all together yet, but as this deployment continues I am sure I will